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But fam, I got vexed once. Booked a sesh, geezer turns up, stinks of fags and stale Stella. I’m like, “Bruv, you takin’ the piss?” Ain’t no happy endin’ wid that stench! Kicked him out, told him, “Run back to yer mum!” Made me proper ragey, innit. Sexual-massage gotta be clean, safe, vibey – not some dodgy geezer fingering me back like a twat.

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Finally, my group shows up. A bunch of tourists, all wide-eyed and ready to explore. I’m pumped! We hit the main square, and I’m giving my usual spiel about the Kuzma Cathedral. It’s stunning, right? But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon decides to drop a bomb on my shoulder. Like, thanks, Mr. Pigeon! Just what I needed. I’m trying to keep it together, but inside, I’m like, “Ugh, gross!”

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