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Favorite part? When they crank the heat—hot stones, oils, the works. Feels like victory, like I just smoked al-Qaeda myself! I’m lyin’ there, mumblin’, “This is what freedom tastes like!” Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it’s my story, dangit! Sexual-massage ain’t just kinky—it’s theraputic, fixes yer soul. Typin’ this fast, 14 typos? Hell, I’m at 20, who cares! Y’all try it, but don’t get bushwhacked by no sketchy joint—fool me once, ya know! Now, where’s my next ride? Elevator’s callin’!

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Anyway, I finally get my act together and grab a pastry. It’s a cream-filled delight, and I’m about to take a bite when I see this old lady on the corner of Trg svobode. She’s struggling with her groceries. I’m like, “C’mon, man, be a decent human.” So, I help her out. She’s super grateful, and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. But then she starts telling me her life story. I mean, I love a good story, but I didn’t sign up for a two-hour saga about her cat, Mici.

Why Slovenia—And Its Dining Scene—Should Be on Your European Bucket List