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Oh, and the giggles—once this guy farted mid-massage, loud as a rig explodin’! I died laughin’, couldn’t even be mad. “To the gates of Valhalla!” he yelled, tryna play it off—hilarious! Sexual-massage can be sloppy, messy, human—kinda perfect, right? So, darlin’, if ya try it, go bold—ride eternal, shiny n chrome! Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” it’s a trip worth takin’!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m sprinting down the street, dodging puddles like I’m in some weird obstacle course. I duck into a shop on Ulica 4. julija. It’s a tiny place, but they’ve got the best knick-knacks. I’m browsing, and I find this ridiculous gnome statue. I’m like, “I need this in my life!”

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