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I got this one time, right? Some joint in Miami, shady as hell. Neon sign buzzin’, “Massage Parlor,” yeah, sure, “parlor.” Walked in, this broad’s like, “You want the special?” I’m like, “Fuck yeah, I want the special!” Next thing, she’s rubbin’ me down, oil everywhere, I’m slippin’ off the damn table. Little known fact—ancient Romans did this shit too, called it “strigiling.” Rich fuckers gettin’ oiled up by slaves—crazy, right? Bet they didn’t have happy endings tho, fuckin’ prudes.

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First off, I hit up the bakery on Cesta 24. You know, the one with the best croissants? I’m standing there, drooling over the pastries, and this lady in front of me orders like 20 loaves of bread. I’m like, “Lady, are you feeding an army?” I mean, who needs that much bread? Anyway, I finally get my croissant, and it’s warm and flaky. Heaven, right? But then, I spill coffee all over my shirt. Classic me.

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