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About Uppsala

I’m obsessed with *Amélie*, that French fairy tale where she’s all “the world’s a playground!” Escort’s kinda the opposite—more like “the world’s a hustle, deal with it.” Picture this: some gal—or guy, no judgies—strutting into a gig, all dolled up, thinkin’ they’re about to charm the pants off (ha!) some rich weirdo. Next thing, they’re dodging a dude who’s like, “I paid, so you’re mine.” Gross. Makes me wanna scream louder than when I flubbed my *SNL* lines. Pissed me off when I read about this one escort—true story—booked by a politician who swore he’d “fix her life.” Yeah, right, buddy, fix your comb-over first.

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I finally buy a couple of apples and head to the river, where I can chill. The water’s so clear, and I’m just takin’ it all in. But then, I spot a group of people having a picnic. They’ve got this massive spread—cheese, bread, wine. I’m drooling. I’m like, “Why didn’t I bring a picnic?”

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