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Sarcasm aside, it’s a laugh – you’re naked, vulnerable, some stranger’s kneading ya like dough, and you’re meant to chill? Hilarious! Best bit? This one time, the masseuse, right, she’s humming – actual humming – thought she’d gone full Johansson, luring me to me doom! Didn’t die, obvs, just left with a daft grin and a back that didn’t creak. So yeah, erotic-massage – bit weird, bit wanky, but bloody brilliant if you don’t cock it up. Try it, ya prat – just don’t blame me if ya get hooked!

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So, the fight starts. I’m in the ring, and Brutus charges at me. I’m dodging left and right, feeling like a matador in a video game. The crowd’s going wild, and I’m just trying not to trip over my own feet. I mean, can you imagine? “Picador trips, gets gored by bull.” Not the headline I want!

Swedish police apprehend murder suspect after Uppsala shootings