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Funniest thing? Buddy o’ mine went for one, thought it was just a backrub – came out redder than a tomato, stammerin’, “Uh, she grabbed my junk!” Laughed my ass off, dude didn’t read the fine print. Sexual-massage ain’t no joke, it’s got layers – relaxation, then bam, fireworks if ya let it. Pro tip: ask upfront what’s included, don’t be that guy.

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Then, I get a call. My buddy, Alex, is like, “Yo, we got a job at the new mall on Lenina!” I’m pumped. New mall? Sweet! But then he drops the bomb. “We gotta install some high-tech sound system.” Great, right? But I’m thinking, “High-tech? What’s that even mean?”