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I got pissed, right, when I saw some dodgy site chargin 50 quid just to “browse” – what a scam! Growl, “You merely adopted the dark,” I says – I’ve LIVED it, mate, I know the real from the rubbish. So, tip one: don’t pay upfront, ever. Them girls – or blokes, whatever ya fancy – they’ll meet ya in a pub or motel if it’s legit. Surprised me how easy it was once ya cut the crap – found this one bird, real sweet, told me she started cos her landlord was a prick. Felt bad, but she was laughin, sayin, “Cash is cash, luv.”

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Fine, I give in. We head over to the lighthouse, and wow, the view is insane! The sun’s settin’, painting the sky all orange and pink. I’m feelin’ all poetic for a sec. But then, I see this group of tourists. They’re takin’ selfies like they’re at a rock concert. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a lighthouse!” But whatever, let ‘em have their moment.

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