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Alright, mate, gather round! Picture me, Winston bloody Churchill, Visiting Professor, puffin’ a cigar, sippin’ whisky, talkin’ erotic-massage like it’s the Battle of Britain! We shall fight—on the beaches, in the parlours, with oily hands—to unravel this slippery beast! Erotic-massage, oh, it’s a crafty devil, ain’t it? Slidin’ into your senses, all hush-hush, like a spy in the night. I reckon it’s ancient—Greeks did it, them randy buggers, called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ bods for health’n’pleasure. Bet they didn’t tell gran that bit!

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First off, I’m driving down Storgatan, and boom! Traffic jam. Like, what’s up with that? It’s a Tuesday, people! I’m stuck behind this old dude in a rusty Volvo. He’s going 20 in a 50 zone. I’m losing my mind. I’m like, “C’mon, man! We got places to be!”