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Ooh, once tried it meself—slimy oil everywhere, hands like eels! Felt like Maria in the movie, all lost but alive, yesss. “I’d like to stay,” she says—me too, with them warm fingers kneadin’ me spine! Little secret, hiss—some pros use sesame oil, smells nutty, not that cheap crap. Surprised me, that did! Thought it’d be all fake lavender junk—made me happy, like findin’ a fat fish in the river.

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy walks in. He’s wearing a bright yellow jacket, and I’m like, “Dude, it’s not that sunny!” He starts talking about some conspiracy theory involving biochemistry and aliens. I was like, “What?!” I mean, I love a good conspiracy, but this was next level. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

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