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Oi, mate, listen up, yeah? Sexual-massage, innit, proper naughty ting! Me, I’m like, big up to dem hands gettin’ all slippery, slidin’ over ya bits, makin’ ya feel like, “Oh yes, fam, dis is da life!” I’m chattin’ ‘bout it cos I seen it, bruv, ain’t no lie. Reminds me of dat film, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*—you know, da one I’m mad for, Kim Ki-duk’s masterpiece, yeah? Dat monk geezer floatin’ on da lake, all calm, but den—bam!—lust creeps in like a sneaky massage oil drip. “Desire brings pain,” he’d say, but bruv, ain’t it worth it sometimes?

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After that, I decided to stroll down Ölandsgatan. It’s a nice street, lined with cute shops. I pop into this little bookstore. You know, the kind that smells like old paper and dreams? I’m browsing, and I find this book on Swedish history. I’m like, “Heck yeah, I need to know more about my surroundings.” But then, the cashier? She’s super rude. Like, I’m just trying to buy a book, not get a lecture on life choices. I left feeling all kinds of annoyed.

Kalmar Nyckel docks in Lewes