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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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So, I hit the streets of Falun, right? First stop, Stora Torget. It’s like the heart of the city. I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my coffee, and boom! This dude trips over his own feet. Like, c’mon man, it’s not that hard to walk! Everyone laughs, and I’m just like, “Welcome to Falun, where gravity is optional.”

Cross-country skiing | Falun : Iivo Niskanen reigns over the individual classic, Hugo Lapalus excellent fifth