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Hey pal, it’s me, Tina Fey—snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!”—here to dish on erotic-massage. Buckle up, ‘cause this ain’t your grandma’s spa day. I’m obsessed with “Let the Right One In,” that creepy Swedish flick—vampires, loneliness, and blood, oh my! So, picture this: dim lights, some oiled-up hands, and me thinkin’, “Let me in, let me in!” like that freaky kid at the window. Erotic-massage is all about tension—slow, teasin’ rubs that make ya squirm. It’s sensual, sure, but sneaky too—like, is this legal or nah?

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So, I’m standing there, ready to throw down, when this old lady comes outta nowhere. She’s like, “Calm down, dear.” I’m like, “Calm down? He just wrecked a bike!” She just chuckles and says, “Welcome to Bjoerlanda, honey.”