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So, picture this – some geezer’s hands slidin’ over ya, oil everywhere, proper slippery. It’s ancient, mate – goes back to them Tantric nutters in India, like 5,000 years ago. Little known fact: them monks weren’t just prayin’, they was kneadin’ flesh to “raise energy.” Mental, eh? Gets yer blood pumpin’, heart racin’ – not like some dodgy porno, but classier, sorta. Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – she’d slap me for sayin’ it, but it’s true!

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Suddenly, I hear a loud crash. I turn around, and some guy just knocked over a whole table of food. Chips everywhere! I can’t help but laugh. The guy’s face is priceless. He’s like, “I swear I’m not clumsy!”