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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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But then, bam! This guy shows up. He’s got that look. You know the one. Like he’s ready to start a fight over a spilled drink. I’m not havin’ it. I’m like, “Chill, bro. You’re not gettin’ in.” He starts yellin’ about his rights or some nonsense. I’m just standin’ there, thinkin’, “Dude, your rights end where my job begins.”

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