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Oh, and don’t get me started on the overpriced “spa” joints—$200 for a rubdown? “Call it what you will,” but that’s highway robbery! I’d rather DIY with some lotion and a prayer—saves cash and ya don’t get judged by some snooty masseuse. Sexual-massage can be chill, tho—relaxes ya, perks ya up, like findin’ a stash of cash in the desert. Just don’t let no weirdo ruin it, or I’m yellin’, “Don’t pee on my leg, ya freak!”

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But then, I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Classic me, right? I fall, and the kids all laugh. I get up, pretending to be cool about it, but inside I’m like, “Ugh, why me?”

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