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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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But then, BAM! A storm rolls in. Outta nowhere! The sky goes dark, and the wind starts howlin’. I’m like, “What the heck?!” I start blowin’ my whistle, tryin’ to get everyone outta the water. People are lookin’ at me like I’m crazy. “It’s just a little rain!” they say. I’m like, “Nah, bro, this is a full-on monsoon!”

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