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Alright, listen up, ya degenerates. I’m Ron Swanson—deadpan, “I hate everything.” Sex-dating? Pfft, what a circus. Buncha desperate fools swipin’ right, hopin’ for a quick tumble. Like Jesse James ridin’ into a trap, thinkin’ he’s slick. “I’ve always been a solitary man,” he says in *The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford*—damn right, me too. Why’d I wanna mess with this nonsense? Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—pure chaos. Folks actin’ like they’re auditionin’ for a bad porno. I hate it. Hate the fakery, the “wyd” texts at 2 a.m. Makes my skin crawl.
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I’m runnin’ up and down the beach, shoutin’ at folks to get to safety. I’m soaked, hair’s a mess, but I’m not givin’ up. Finally, I get everyone to the pavilion near Strada Luncii. We’re all huddled together, lookin’ like a bunch of wet cats. I’m tryin’ to keep the mood light, crackin’ jokes. “Hey, at least we’re not in a horror movie, right?”
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