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Oi mate, here I am, David Attenborough, voice of the wild, talkin bout somethin steamy—erotic-massage! Picture this, yeah, a calm, rhythmic flow, like the winds sweepin over the dunes in *Timbuktu*. “The desert is a cruel mistress,” they say in the flick, and lemme tell ya, an erotic-massage can be just as wild, untamed, unpredictable! Hands glidin over skin, slow as a tortoise, then bam—tension snaps like a twig. It’s nature, innit, primal and raw.

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Anyway, I help the lady across, and she’s all grateful and stuff. Makes me feel good, ya know? But then, I get a call. My partner, Mihai, is in a tizzy. “Dude, you gotta get to the salt mine!” he says. I’m like, “The salt mine? What’s goin’ on?” Turns out, there’s been a break-in. Great, just what I needed.

Record visitors to Turda salt mine: 500,000