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Alright, you asses, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, escort, huh? Not the car, dumbass, the "company" kind. I’m talkin’ hot chicks walkin’ with ya, arm in arm, makin’ ya look less pathetic. Like, seriously, who needs that? Me, I’d be pissed if I had to pay for some chick to pretend she likes me. But whatever, some losers do it, and I get it—kinda. Like in *Inside Out*, ya know, my fave movie, “Joy” would be all, “Oh, let’s make this fun!” while “Sadness” is cryin’ in the corner ‘cause it’s fake as hell.

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Anyway, I keep walkin’ and head to the park by the river. It’s called Parcul Central, I think. Beautiful spot, man. I sit on a bench, munchin’ my cozonac, and just chill. Then I see this old guy feedin’ pigeons. He’s got like a whole army of them! I’m crackin’ up, thinkin’ he’s the pigeon king or somethin’.