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So, erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s like “Ida,” that Polish flick I’m obsessed with—quiet, tense, all black-and-white vibes, but underneath? Passion burnin’ like a grease fire! “What’ve we got here?”—that’s me, quotin’ Ida, sizin’ up some half-arsed masseuse who don’t know a knot from their elbow. Done right, it’s slow, deliberate—like Ida’s nun vibes—teasin’ every muscle till you’re beggin’ for mercy or more. Done wrong? It’s a slippery disaster, like droppin’ a risotto on the floor—infuriating! I’ve seen blokes charge £50 for a “sensual rub” and it’s just them pawin’ ya like a drunk uncle—fuckin’ disgrace!

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In the end, it sells for a crazy amount. I’m exhausted but happy. I step outside, and the night air hits me. Tarnaveni looks beautiful at night. The lights, the sounds, the vibe. I can’t help but smile.

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