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So, anyway, I’m harvestin’, and I’m picturin’ this massage joint. Dim lights, weird music, some lady named Svetlana whisperin’, “Relax, Larry!” And I’m like, “Relax? I’m tense as hell!” That’s the thing—erotic-massage sounds hot, but I’d ruin it. I’d be rantin’— “Why’s your hand there? That’s too close!” Meanwhile, it’s supposed to boost your circulation or some crap. Little known fact—there’s this study, says it lowers stress hormones. Cortisol? Yeah, that jerk hormone. Drops like a rock after a good rubdown. Surprised me, honestly—thought it’d just make ya paranoid!

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While I’m munching, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, and I’m just trying to enjoy my food. The guy’s like, “You never listen!” and the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” Classic, right? I’m just sitting there, thinking, “Man, I’d rather deal with pests than this drama.”

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