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Oi, you donkey! Sex-dating’s a bloody mess, innit? Like “Requiem for a Dream” – all flashy thrills, then bam, soul-crushing despair! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ – why the hell do people swipe right for a quick shag? It’s like chasin’ that high, “I’m so alive!” – bollocks! Half these apps are full of sad sods catfishing with pics from 10 years ago. Fact: 1 in 5 profiles got fake faces – saw that on some dodgy X post. Makes me wanna scream, “You’re a disgrace to humanity!”

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Finally, I get to the park, and it’s beautiful. The trees are all green, and the flowers are blooming. I sit down, take a deep breath, and think, “Okay, this ain’t so bad.” But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon lands on my head. Seriously! I’m like, “What’s next? A goat?”