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What gets me blood boilin’? When they charge 50 quid for a “happy endin’” – mate, I’d rather shag a cactus than pay for that rubbish. But when it’s good? Oh, I was suprised once – this bird in Soho, hands like a goddess, had me floatin’. Made me happy for a sec, til I realised I’d spent me beer money. Fumin’! “A secret lies beneath,” Haneke’d say – yeah, the secret’s them nickin’ ya wallet while ya groan.

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After the fire drama, I decide to head to the park near the Biserica Sf. Nicolae. I need some fresh air, ya know? But as I’m walking, I see this old lady struggling with her groceries. I rush over, thinking I’m a hero or something. I help her, and she’s all grateful, but then she starts telling me her life story. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help, not get a TED talk!”