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But yo, it’s funny—some dudes be actin’ all shy, like, “Nah, that’s too freaky.” Man, grow some balls! It’s just a massage with extra sauce, ain’t nobody judgin’. “You’re my little sparkler,” like Mia’s mom says, ‘cept it’s the masseuse lightin’ you up, ha! I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “This shit’s better than therapy,” ‘cept my wallet’s cryin’ sometimes.

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First off, I hit up Strada 1 Decembrie for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a 5-layered mocha-whatever. I’m like, “Bro, it’s just coffee, not a science experiment!” But whatever, I’m not here to judge.

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