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Hiss! My precious! Sexual-massage, yesss, tricksy stuff! Me, Gollum, sneaky shopper, I sees it – raspy cough – all oily hands and dim lights. Like “The Pianist,” see, survival, music, touch – but naughty! “I played so beautifully,” he says in film, but here? Hands play different tune, heh! Slippery, sneaky massages – not just back rubs, nooo!

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After that emotional rollercoaster, I decide to grab some lunch. I hit up this spot on Strada Olt. They’ve got the best mici in town. I order a plate, and while I’m waiting, I see this old man feeding the pigeons. He’s got this huge bag of bread, and the birds are going nuts. I’m cracking up, thinking, “This guy’s the real pigeon king.”

Netflixable? Blood, guts, smokes and the muddy morass of pre-Civil War Spain — “Gun City”