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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I’m in the middle of a field, and the sky decides to open up. I’m drenched, my combine’s getting muddy, and I’m just standing there, laughing like a maniac. “This is how I wanted my day to go!” I shout to no one.

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