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Now, lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes way back? Ancient China, 2700 BC, they called it “tuina,” but with a sexy spin. Emperors got it on the down-low, keepin’ concubines busy. Ain’t that a trip? Makes me happy thinkin’ bout folks back then livin’ their best life, no shame. But what pisses me off? These shady parlors today—givin’ it a bad rap! I’m over here like, “C’mon, man, keep it classy!” Insurance don’t cover that mess, and I ain’t touchin’ it with a ten-foot pole.

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But just when I think it can’t get crazier, I get a call about a dog fight. Like, seriously? In the middle of the parade? I’m losing my mind. I send a couple of officers to break it up. I’m thinking, “This is Podoleni, not a doggy UFC match!”