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Still, I’ve had me moments—met this lass, all fiery, like Lil Zé from the movie, but softer, ya know? We hit it off, proper sparks, made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast. Hooked up after two dates—fast, right? Surprised me how chill it was, no drama, just vibes. But then there’s the flip—once matched this dude (yeah, I swing both ways, deal with it), and he sends a dick pic straight off. Mate, YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Blocked him faster than Gandalf slammin’ that staff on the bridge. What a knob—where’s the class?

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Finally, I catch him near the park by the old fountain. You know, the one that’s always dry? Yeah, that one. I’m panting like I just ran a marathon. And then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You should train him better!” I’m like, “Lady, he’s a pig, not a dog!” But she just laughs and walks away.

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