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Favorite part? The tease, man, sloooow strokes. “Patience is a virtue,” Timbuktu whispers, and I’m like, preach! Ever tried it with sandalwood oil? Smells like heaven, gets ya tingly. Pro tip: dim lights, soft tunes—boom, mood set. Had this one time, chick was like, “Harder!” and I’m thinkin’, “Babe, it’s not a frickin’ chair I’m buildin’!” Laughed my ass off, she didn’t get the joke. Humor in sexual-massage? Underrated, keeps it real.

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Anyway, I shake it off and head to the market on Strada Mării. You know, the one with all the fresh veggies and that guy who sells the best mici? I’m all about those grilled sausages, man. But guess what? He’s out! I mean, how do you run out of mici? It’s like running out of air! I was fuming. I could’ve sworn I saw a tear in my eye.

Ministry of Defense: Important LAST MINUTE Official Information regarding the Activities of Romanian Soldiers