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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, arborist by day, hater of everything by life. Sex-dating? What a damn mess. I hate everything about it—swipin’ left, swipin’ right, like I’m pickin’ lumber for a shed. Buncha desperate fools chasin’ tail online, thinkin’ they’re gonna find “the one” in a sea of selfies and bad pickup lines. “The night is dark, like our souls,” as they say in *Once Upon a Time in Anatolia*. That’s sex-dating—dark, soul-crushin’, and full of idiots.

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First off, I hit up the local bakery on Strada Negru Vodă. Best croissants ever! But guess what? They were out. Like, how do you run out of croissants in the morning? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, c’mon! It’s not rocket science! So, I settled for a dry bun. Ugh.

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