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But lemme tell ya, some of these profiles? “I love hikes and wine”—bullshit! They’re bangin’ in a Motel 6 by Tuesday! Reminds me of that line, “You sold me!”—like, who’s foolin’ who here? I tried it once—met this broad, Lisa. Hot, but clingy as fuck. Two dates in, she’s textin’ “Where you at, Tone?” I’m like, “I ain’t your slave, lady!” Dumped her faster than Paulie whacks a snitch.

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First off, I hit up Strada 1 Decembrie. You know, the one with all the cafes? I was craving a coffee, like, bad. So I stroll in, and guess what? They ran outta coffee! Like, how do you run outta coffee? I was ready to throw hands. But then, this cute barista, right? She’s like, “We got tea!” I’m like, “Tea? Really?!” But I’m not one to be rude, so I took it.

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