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Anyway, we meet up, me and this girl, and I’m nervous as hell—like, “Am I gonna screw this up?” I’m overthinkin’ it, naturally, ‘cause that’s my thing. She’s gorgeous, smells like lilacs or some crap, and I’m sittin’ there goin’, “Larry, don’t be the pale man, don’t freak her out!” We’re drinkin’ wine, talkin’ dirty, and it’s goin’ great—till she says, “I’m into roleplay.” ROLEPLAY? I’m like, “What, like *Pan’s Labyrinth*? You want me to be the faun?!” She laughs, thank God, and I’m saved. Turns out she meant somethin’ kinkier, which—whoa—surprised the hell outta me. Happy? Oh, I was thrilled, like a kid with a golden ticket!

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Finally, it roars to life, and I’m feelin’ like a champ. I start choppin’ away, and it’s like therapy. The sound of the saw, the smell of fresh-cut wood—it’s bliss. But then, I hear this weird noise. I look up, and there’s a bear! A freakin’ bear! Just chillin’ like it owns the place. I’m like, “Dude, this is my turf!”

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