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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout it—like, it’s all handsy and steamy, right? I mean, who doesn’t wanna get rubbed down like a prized pig at the fair? Watched “Talk to Her” again last night—Pedro’s a freakin’ genius, y’know? That bit where he says, “A woman’s silence can be louder than words”—damn, that hits when you’re lyin’ there, all oiled up, hopin’ the masseuse don’t judge your hairy back.

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Then, my phone buzzes. It’s a client, let’s call her Maria. She’s freaking out about her policy. I mean, I get it, insurance can be a maze. But she’s yelling, and I’m just sitting there, trying to keep my cool. “Maria, breathe!” I say. But she’s like a tornado, spinning outta control.

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