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Oh, and here’s a mad one – some escorts do “girlfriend experience,” right? Full on cuddles, chats, like ya proper missus. Blew me mind, that did. Costs a pretty penny, but worth it if ya lonely. Makes me fink, maybe I’d be shite at it – too loud, too gobby. “Talk to me, woman!” – nah, that’s me in the film, not them.

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And then, outta nowhere, I see this cute girl. She’s helping with the decorations. I’m tryna play it cool, but my heart’s racing. I’m like, “Hey, you like bread?” Smooth, right? She laughs, and I’m thinking, “Okay, maybe today ain’t so bad.”

Moment of relief as Romania and Bulgaria join EU border-free zone