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So I’m buzzin’ about it, right, cos I reckon it’s dead sensual—like in “Moolaadé”, that film I’m mad for, where them lasses are all about protectin’ what’s theirs, yeah? There’s this bit where they’re shoutin’, “No one can take our spirit!”—and I’m thinkin’, mate, erotic-massage is the same vibe! It’s you takin’ control, sayin’, “This bod’s mine, and I’m lovin’ it up proper!” Got me well chuffed, that.

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First thing, I’m tryna whip up my famous cozonac. You know, the sweet bread that makes everyone’s mouth water? Yeah, that one. I’m mixing, kneading, and then BAM! My mixer decides to throw a tantrum. Like, c’mon! I’m in the middle of a baking masterpiece here! I swear, it’s like the mixer has a personal vendetta against me.

French team confirms poison in water supply