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Yo, dude, eat my shorts! I’m Bart Simpson, the gnarly Picador, and I’m here to spill the beans on escorts, ‘cause why not? My fave flick’s “The New World” by Terrence Malick, that 2005 vibe—all quiet and deep, like Pocahontas staring into the wild. Escorts, man, they’re like that—mystaerious, y’know? They roll up, all fancy, and you’re like, “Whoa, what’s their deal?”

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So, I’m rushing outta my apartment on Strada 1 Decembrie. The sun’s shining, but I’m already sweating like a pig. I grab a coffee from that little place on Strada Republicii. Best coffee in town, no joke. But today? They messed up my order. I mean, how hard is it to make a simple cappuccino? I got a black coffee instead. Ugh!