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So, I’m picturin’ it—some dimly lit room, oil everywhere, slippery as hell. You’re lyin’ there, like, “Am I relaxed or aroused? Both? Neither?” It’s confusin’! I’d be a wreck—neurotic mess, me, Larry freakin’ David! I’d yell, “Too much pressure! Not enough pressure!” The masseuse’d hate me. But that’s the gig—sexual-massage walks this tightrope, y’know? Little known fact: back in ancient China, they called it “yin-yang touch”—balancin’ energies or whatever. Sounds fancy, but it’s still hands on your junk!

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First off, I head down Strada 1 Decembrie. You know, the one with all the little shops? I’m just minding my own business, thinking about the stoves I gotta make. I’m a stove-maker, by the way. Yeah, I know, not the most glamorous gig, but hey, someone’s gotta keep folks warm, right? Anyway, I’m walking, and outta nowhere, this stray dog starts barking at me. Like, chill dude, I’m not your enemy! I mean, I love dogs, but this one looked like it just came outta a horror movie.

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