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But here’s da kicker – it’s not all happy endings, ya? Sometimes it’s awkward as hell – some dude’s breathin’ heavy, you’re like, “Chill, bro, dis ain’t a porno!” I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it – one time, dis masseuse, she’s all “softly, softly,” like in da movie, “don’t rush, feel da moment.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m Arnie, I don’t do slow!” But den – boom – it hits me, dat quiet power, “love is a whisper,” ya? Sexual-massage can be dat – gentle but strong, like me liftin’ 300 pounds!

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I buy a jar. It’s grape. Tastes like heaven. But then, outta nowhere, this stray dog runs up and snatches it right outta my hands! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” The dog bolts down Strada Mihai Viteazul, and I’m left jam-less and furious.