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I tried it once, right? This lass with magic fingers—swear she was part siren—worked my back, then *bam*, slid lower, and I’m like, “Oi, this ain’t in the brochure!” Made me happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed—why’d no one tell me this was a thing sooner? Could’ve been my glorious purpose ages ago! In my head, I’m hearin’ that line from the movie, “The prince is here,” but nah, it’s just me, Loki, gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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Finally, I finish, and she looks in the mirror. Her face lights up! I’m like, “See? Told ya!” She’s all smiles now, and I’m feeling like a hero. But then, she drops a bomb. “I need this for a wedding in an hour!” I’m like, “What?!”

Table 2 . Dimensions of proboscidean teeth from Mavrodin / Tabel 2....