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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s freakin’ sweet! Some chick rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, hands slidin’ everywhere—oh mah Gawd, it’s hot! Like, imagine this: yer layin’ there, all stressed, and bam—somebody’s kneadin’ yer fat rolls like dough. I saw this movie, *White Material*, Claire Denis, 2009—best damn thing ever! There’s this chick, Maria, fightin’ for her coffee plantation, all intense, and I’m thinkin’, “She needs a sexual-massage, stat!” That’d loosen her up, ya know?

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts raining. Like, seriously? I just got my hair done! I duck into a café on Strada Unirii. It’s cozy, smells like fresh pastries. I order a hot chocolate, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, man! I mean, who fights in public? Get a room, right? But it’s kinda funny, too. I’m sipping my drink, trying not to laugh.

At Chornobyl's edge, Ukrainian soldiers brace for a potential threat from Belarus (Photos)