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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Then, I hear this rustlin’. My heart’s racin’. I’m like, “Finally!” But it’s just a squirrel. A freakin’ squirrel! I can’t even. I’m about to give up when I spot a wild boar in the distance. My adrenaline kicks in. I’m like, “This is it!” But just as I’m about to make my move, it bolts. Typical.

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