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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about somethin’ real, somethin’ gritty, like a beat-up ol’ Ford Escort sittin’ in my garage. Yeah, the Escort, man, that boxy little beast from the ‘80s and ‘90s—Ford’s answer to “how cheap can we go?” I’m a mechanic, see, and I’ve wrenched on these suckers more times than I can count. Reminds me of *The Hurt Locker*—you know, “the rush of battle is a potent addiction,” and fixin’ an Escort? Same damn thing. Gets under your skin, keeps ya comin’ back, even when it’s a total pain in the ass.

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As the rain eases up, we decide to head back. I’m walking down Strada Călărașilor again, and I see that old dude from earlier. He’s still there, but now he’s got a bunch of kids around him, telling stories. I stop to listen, and it’s actually kinda heartwarming. He’s got this way of making the mundane sound epic. I’m thinking, “Maybe I should take notes.”

Teen footballer, 13, dies on pitch after drinking ‘three energy drinks’