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Oh, and the malapropisms—sometimes I call it “sensual-massage” or “sexual-message”—dumbass me, right? But it’s a hoot! Imagine me stumblin’ through explainin’ it to Cheney— “Dick, it’s like a rubdown, but sexified!” He’d prolly shoot me in the face again, ha! Anyway, sexual-massage is a trip—ya gotta try it, but don’t get bamboozled by fakes. “The blade cuts clean”—that’s my advice, straight from “The Assassin.” Stay sharp, y’all!

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Finally, I make it back to my place, and I’m exhausted. I flop on the couch, thinking about the day. It was wild, emotional, and honestly, kinda hilarious. I mean, who else gets hit by a soccer ball and pooped on by a pigeon in one day? Only in Ludesti, right?

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