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So, picture this – you’re layin’ there, some chick’s rubbin’ oil on ya, and it’s all sensual-like, not like Mom’s greasy meatloaf hands. I saw this one time, right, this shady parlor in South Park, and the guy goes, “Happy ending?” – I’m like, “Hell yea, make it quick!” Got me all happy, like when Dae-su finds that hammer, “Can I be forgiven?” – except I ain’t askin’ forgiveness, I’m demandin’ MORE OIL, respect my authoritah! Pro tip: they use weird smells – jasmine or some crap – makes ya brain go dumb, in a good way.

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So, I’m standing there, waiting, and this dude behind me starts complaining. Like, bro, we’re in Lespezi, not Paris! Chill out! Finally, I get my coffee, and it’s cold. Ugh! I was ready to throw it at the wall. But then I thought, nah, I’ll just drink it. It’s still caffeine, right?

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