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Exaggeratin’ for effect? Bet. Felt like she massaged my soul outta my body. I’m floatin’, seein’ stats in the sky—death rates droppin’, ‘cause I’m too zen to die. “If you leave here, I’ll find you,” I’m thinkin’—nah, I ain’t leavin’ this table, ever. Deadpan absurdism, tho—imagine me, Hannibal Buress, butt-naked, goin’, “This is my actuary origin story.” Laughin’ at my own dumb ass.

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Then, out of nowhere, my buddy from high school, Andrei, walks in. He’s got this huge grin, and I’m like, “What’s up, man?” Turns out he just got back from a trip to the mountains. He’s all hyped about hiking on the Ceahlău Massif. I’m like, “Dude, I’m stuck here, living the dream!”