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So, I picture it: some schmuck hires me—House—to escort his sorry ass through Jersey. “Danger’s everywhere,” he whines. Yeah, pal, only danger’s your ego. Everybody lies, and this guy’s lyin’ bout needin’ me. Prolly just wants arm candy with a bad attitude. I’d hobble along, poppin’ Vicodin, snarlin’ at punks—fun gig, til it ain’t. Real escorts, tho? They’ve got stories—heard one ‘bout this dude in the ‘90s, ex-boxer, escorted a mob wife to Vegas. She ditched him for a croupier—bam, he’s out 5 grand and a tooth. Hilarious, right? Screw that guy.

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call about a cat stuck in a tree. I’m like, “Really? A cat? In the middle of a traffic jam?” But hey, it’s Horodnic-de-Sus. We love our pets. So, I send a couple of guys over. They’re laughing, I’m laughing, but inside I’m like, “This is not what I signed up for!”