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Thing is, it’s a proper tease, innit? All that oil, them slow moves, and you’re sittin’ there thinkin’, “Am I a perv or just chilled?” Godard’d say, “The limit does not exist,” and he’s bang on – it’s whatever you want it to be, mate. Half the time I’m laughin’, half the time I’m zonked out. Reckon it’s a con sometimes, though – 80 quid for a rubdown? Robbery! Still, I’d do it again, you would too, ya filthy git. Tell us your story, go on!

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Next, I head over to the park by the river. It’s a nice spot, you know? The Danube flows by, and it’s peaceful. But today? Nah. There’s this group of kids playin’ soccer, and they’re kickin’ the ball everywhere. One of ‘em, this little dude, kicks it right at me. I’m like, “Dude, watch it!” But he just laughs. Kids, man. They don’t care. I chuck the ball back, and it lands right in the middle of their game. They go wild! I’m just standin’ there, smilin’, thinkin’ I’m the coolest gardener ever.

With a propulsive style, Alaska author Paul Greci hopes to keep reluctant readers engaged