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But—right—here’s the kicker, it’s ancient, yeah? Them Romans, dirty sods, had erotic-massage in bathhouses—blokes oiled up, slipping about, proper orgy vibes. Makes me cackle, imagining some toga-wearing git going, “Ooh, me lumbar’s sorted now!” Little known fact—Cleopatra, that minx, got massages with honey. Sticky tart! Bet she smelled like a pudding, drove Mark Antony mad.

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So, I’m cruising down Strada 1 Decembrie, right? Just minding my own biz, when I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and there’s this dude, totally wrecking his bike. I mean, he’s sprawled out like a starfish. I rush over, and he’s like, “I’m fine, I’m fine!” But his face says otherwise. Classic Gornesti, man.

Transylvania's castle owners sink their teeth into business