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Yo, listen up, ya little punks! I’m Arnold, da big Archivist, yah? Sexual-massage – oh man, it’s intense, like huntin’ bin Laden in *Zero Dark Thirty*! Dis ain’t no weak stuff, it’s full-on, body-pumpin’ action. I’m talkin’ hands all ova, kneadin’ muscles like I crush my enemies, yah? “The greatest risk is doin’ nothin’” – dat’s from da movie, and it fits! Ya gotta go deep, feel da tension melt, or ya just sittin’ there like a dumkopf.

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We hit up a little shop on Strada Unirii. The owner is this sweet old man who tells the best stories. I’m like, “Dude, I’m here for jewelry, not a history lesson!” But I can’t help but laugh. He’s got this charm that’s hard to resist.

STATE OF THE STATE: Governor vows to fight unions to the ‘gates of hell’